Get ready to laugh! | The Official Ozzy Osbourne Site

Get ready to laugh!

How did Hellen Keller lose her arm?
-She tried to read a stop sign.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
-Rearrange the furniture.

Did you hear about that really heavy rain in Binghamton?
-It was coming down like Britney Spears' record sales!

Why did the blonde cross the road?
-To get to Dick's.

Why do lesbians shop at Gander Mountain?
-Because they don't like Dick's.

What do you call a lesbian platypus?

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Did you hear about the blonde who was learning to drive?
-She couldn't figure out why the domelight wouldn't shut off, so her dad got out of the car, went around, and shut the door.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
-So she can moan with the other.

Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face?
-She tried eating with a fork.

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
-She tried answering the iron.

How did she burn the other side?
-They called back.

How did she burn her face?
-She was bobbing for French fries.

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
-Nothing! They never meet!

What do Michael Jackson and a plastic bag have in common?
-They're both made of plastic and are dangerous for children.

Did you hear? The Energizer Bunny got sent to jail!
-He was charged with battery.

What do a hooker and a bungee cord have in common?
-They're both cheap and fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Read these out loud:
-Alpha Kenny Body
-Ice Bank Mice Elf
-Eye Yam Sofa King Stew Peed
-Eye Ma Home Oh
-Eye Mass Stir Bait
-Barry McKockiner
-Eye Yam Mud Uh Mass
-Isle Ike Um
-Ice Mooch A Glee Pea Pull
-M. T. Milode
-Harry P. Ness
-Ice Crude Ux
-I. M. Kay
-Eye Yam Uh Less Pea Inn
-Eye Ma Curl Tat Lie Ex Curls

What do a cowboy, a rock guitarist and a blonde have in common?
-They all like to spread their legs apart.

Why did Michael Jackson go back to school?
-He wanted to be a children's physical therapist.

My psychologist's wife about 15-20 years ago was in a record store. There was a group of people nearby. One of them said: "Hey did you know Paul McCartney was in another band before Wings?" lol true story!

What's big, lives in the ocean, and is used as the name for a very fun person?
-An octopus.

What's a dumb blonde's favorite engineering company?

What's a dumb blode's favorite color?
-Purple (blue+pink, boy=blue, girl=pink, when a boy and girl f***, they "make purple").

Alliteration and internal rhyme: Beth buys bags of meth.


very good... :)

I love this type of reading.

<a href="">Kviser og fet hud</a>

On a bumper sticker:
"The road to Hell is paved with Republicans"

On A car sticker:

Ex Boy friend on Boot (trunk)

Yummy Mummy on board
Number 1

Now that one's funny!

Saw a t shirt at the market yesterday!

Explore Down Under
Survive and press through the thick warm wet bush

Number 1

OK a more sick one

What is Pink screams and sits in a corner?

A peeled baby in a bag of salt! ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I did say it was a little sick

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Another slightly sick one

What is blue and sits in the corner?

A dead baby

Number 1

A little bit sick I know BUT

How did the blind man bleed to death?

He tried to read a cheese gater

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Been working long hours recently hence catch up mode.

I think that Asylum might just be a littel rapped in cotton woll, or well and truely young not to get that last refrance of mine, as I have known it for the best part of twenty years, possibly longer.

Over here in England on Commercial TV there is an advert for women's hair product. You have Cheryle Cole (or what ever she calles her self these days). She says: Limp, Lifeless and a bit more that i have forgotten. I thought she was on about herself and then she mentions the product!

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You'd have to grow up in a closet not to know that Paul McCartney was in the Beatles!

<em>It's time now, my time now.
Give me my, give me my wings!</em>
-----<strong>Maynard James Keenan</strong>-----

i have heard most of these the blow up doll one was new -- ozzy will never die he will live on forever in the hearts and souls of billions

I do hahaahhahaahahahaha

I don't get it.

<em>Mama, I don't wanna die.
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all!</em>
-----<strong>Freddie Mercury</strong>-----

Just before the doll went flying I thought that she had a cold as her nose was running! ughhhhhhhhhhhh

Number 1

There was me thinking it was your finger! hahahahahaha

I was introduced to a blow up doll and it was disapointing.

So I got down to it gave it a love bite,

It farted and flew out of the window! hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Number 1

whats brown and sticky
a stick


I don't get it.
P.S.: Did you hear about the blonde who had a tampon behind her ear?
She couldn't find her pencil anywhere!

<strong>Unknown:</strong> <em>If I am executed, God will give you blood to drink!</em>

Yes yes LOL and all that.. More please.


no im not there mate ,got any more
what happened to the gay magician
he disapeared with a poof


Ya gotta be kidding me!

<strong>Unknown</strong> <em>If I am executed, God will give you blood to drink!</em>

sorry asylum heard em mate,,nice try ,,you got any more